When I just look back,
I feel immensely sorry,
Those days were bleak.
Greatly I did worry.
I enjoyed no support,
Like an ant, I tried,
God didn't comfort,
At losses, I sighed.
God-faith, I showed enough,
Still I was always last-ranked,
Living became damn tough,
For my love, I wasn't thanked.
Various attempts, I made,
I wanted love desperately,
By none I was given shade,
All ignored me deliberately.
All thought I was a crack,
God is also included in 'all"
Why He decided not to back?
I was forced to face the wall.
Living indeed was so terrific,
By fate, I was badly crushed,
I became then mentally sick,
To cure, God never rushed.
My efforts miserably failed,
I became extremely gloomy,
By heavy losses, I was nailed,
I resorted not to blasphemy.
My life became sorrowfully rotten,
I felt I was extremely humiliated,
By cobra, I could have been bitten,
But, no action, mighty God initiated.
I became a thorough idiot,
God felt intensely pleased,
Sad thought made a riot,
Situation was never eased.
What a real tragedy my life was?
If I remember, I gloomily shudder,
Nothing can compensate my loss,
I grew damn sadder and sadder.
God, must I trust?
This isn't the question,
Why doesn't He care?
All my hopes went out.
What pleasure God derived
In making me miserably lose?
To dejection's bottom, I dived,
His presence contains no clues.
Why does He behave like this?
Frankly speaking, I don't know,
Why does He deny me bliss?
When I deeply pray, He says "No"
My losses when I count,
In tears, my heart sinks,
I maintain a loss-account,
That is why my brain thinks.
Should I have to maintain,
My deep God-faith still,
Is it a severe stain or gain,
If I believe solely in my will?
If God is supposed to be one,
There must be only one religion,
God-faith must be giving false fun,
So, various Gods in every religion.
Christians believe in Jesus,
Muslims find God in Allah,
Is my God sadly powerless?
Does His law hold any flaw?
Out of deep fear only,
Everyday I try to pray,
My heart is hurt cruelly,
I am God-faith's prey.
After death what?
I am asking myself,
To be peaceful, I fought,
God bit me like a wolf.
How to cure my spoiled mind?
Please give me a useful clue,
God, I am truly unable to find,
I am honest, sincere and true.
All of course die at last,
None can stop death,
If I excavate my past,
For peace, only dearth.
Though I also got married,
Because all love to marry,
Despite wed-lock, I worried,
Life, I couldn't gladly carry.
Living is very very dull,
I am a damn doomed man,
Me, I beg God to just kill,
By making fate do the plan.
I believe never in suicide,
As cowards wrongly do it,
My family is now at my side,
I must make trusting a habit.
Fate is hitting me like thunder,
Losses burn me like lightning,
No God to do any fine wonder,
My time isn't at all brightening.
Still, I am very much afraid,
For God may severely punish,
By calling Him, I sincerely cried,
His silence is strangely devilish.
Praying to God, if I stop,
Will it bring any disaster?
Will God act like a bad cop?
Is He really a kind Master?
I am feeling terribly confused.
To me, God, can anyone show?
My believe has now reduced,
To Temple, must I have to go?
Let me be crucified,
Put me to eternal sleep,
By the Sun, let me be fried,
Me, let not the world keep?
M V Venkataraman
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